Alright, alright. It’s taken me a while. For the three of you who read this regularly, my sincerest apologies. I should have gotten around to doing this quicker, but between school, work, and a pregnant wife, my life is hectic beyond belief. Lucky for you, it’s spring break, which means two of those things have gone away for 11 days.
If you’re not one of the three who normally reads, and you’ve just stumbled upon this bitchin’ blog for the first time, disregard that last message and keep reading. You’re gonna love it. If you don’t, you’re not awesome like me. See: blog title.
In any event, it’s time for the finale of this series about why Sheamus sucks, er, didn’t deserve to win the Royal Rumble. At the end, I’ll wrap it up with details on Sheamus and a short rant about how absolutely awful this has been. For now, we dive in with the winner of the 2006 Royal Rumble, Rey Mysterio.
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2006: Rey Mysterio
He's so tiny! (credit: WWE)
Tale of the Tape
20+ year career
AAA Hall of Fame Member
1-time WWE champion
2-time World champion
2-time Intercontinental champion
4-time WWE tag team champion
3-time WCW tag team champion
5-time WCW cruiserweight champion
3-time WWE cruiserweight champion
1-time WCW cruiserweight tag team champion
21st WWE triple crown champion
#56 in the Best of the PWI Years list
Multiple Wrestling Observer awards including Best High Flyer (1995, 1996, 1997, 2002, 2003, 2004), Best Move (1995), Match of the Year (2002), Most Outstanding Wrestler (1996), Rookie of the Year (1992), and Hall of Fame (2010)
Rey Mysterio is a tiny man in a big man’s world. At 5’6″ and 175 lbs., he’s far and away the smallest world champion in WWE history.
Let’s be clear, though: Mysterio would have likely never climbed to those heights without the push he got from the death of Eddie Guerrero. Maybe it was wrong to push him like that, but the guy had always deserved it. He works had and, despite the fact that he’s had a reputation as a high flyer, he’s also technically sound, dragging a good match out of just about anyone. Only few can lay claim to that.
Wrestling is a sport where Rey should have never found success outside of Mexico or Japan. All the rules and stereotypes say he never should have been able to rise higher than the midcard. He’s tiny, and he can’t really talk. Dude even wears a mask in an age where nobody does that in American wrestling anymore. Except Delirious…but Delirious is nuts.
Instead of sitting in the midcard and rotting away like so many smaller talents do, Rey somehow found his way to the top, headlining pay-per-view after pay-per-view and becoming one of the biggest draws for Hispanic and children audiences in wrestling history.
His list of accomplishments is almost as long as anyone’s on this list, and that’s what makes him impressive.
Does Rey belong in the conversation with guys like Austin, Michaels, or The Rock? Absolutely not. Nobody said he did. But Mysterio is part of the group of second tier guys who contributed much to the business while gaining the respect of their peers in the process. While maybe 10 guys have a legitimate claim for the greatest of all time, maybe only 50 can claim to be in the position Mysterio has acquired. That would be impressive for any wrestler, let alone one smaller than my wife.
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2007: The Undertaker
I choose to remember him like this. (credit: WWE)
Tale of the Tape
Nearly 30-year career
4-time WWE champion
3-time World champion
6-time WWE tag team champion
1-time WCW tag team champion
1-time WWE hardcore champion
7-time Slammy Award winner
Multiple Wrestling Observer awards including a 5-star Match (1997), Best Gimmick (1990-1994), Best Heel (1991), Feud of the Year (2007), Match of the Year (2009, 20010), and Hall of Fame (2004)
Multiple Pro Wrestling Illustrated awards including Feud of the Year (1991), Match of the Year (1998, 2009, 2010), and #21 on the Top 500 of the PWI Years list
Does this guy really need a blurb? I mean, really?
There is nobody, and I mean nobody, who commands more respect in the world of wrestling than The Undertaker. This is a guy who not only has been in the business for about 30 years, but he’s a guy who is regarded as one of the legitimately toughest dudes wrestling has ever seen.
If you work a match in the WWE, you make sure to find The Undertaker and show your respect. I suppose he’s like The Godfather in the regard, and I don’t mean Charles Wright. I mean the ACTUAL godfather…the kind who will put a horse head in your bed if you mess with him.
It’s never really been about titles for The Undertaker, which is evidenced by the fact that he hasn’t won nearly as many as so many others on this list. The Undertaker has been able to be a huge draw his entire career WITHOUT the strap, and that’s something nobody else on this list can claim with the possible exception of Mysterio. His character makes it that way, but the fact that he may be the best the business has ever seen in terms of the psychology of the business is what really made that possible.
Of all the people mentioned on this list, The Undertaker is the best of them, and he didn’t win the Rumble until 2007, well past his prime. Granted, this is all booking and not necessarily an indication of merit, but the fact that WWE looked at him as badass enough to win the Rumble well into his 40s means he’s doing something right.
If you ever want to get into the business, emulate this man. You will go far.
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2008: John Cena
Yes John. We can, in fact, see you. (credit: WWE)
Tale of the Tape
10-time WWE champion
2-time World champion
2-time World tag team champion
2-time WWE tag team champion
3-time WWE United States champion
4-time Slammy Award winner
Multiple Wrestling Observer awards including Wrestler of the Year (2007, 2010), Best Draw (2007), Best Interview (2007), Feud of the Year (2011), Match of the Year (2011), Most Charismatic (2006-2010), and Most Charismatic of the 2000s
Multiple Pro Wrestling Illustrated awards including Feud of the Year (2006, 2011), Match of the Year (2007, 2011), Most Improved (2003), Most Popular (2004, 2005, 2007), and Wrestler of the Year (2006, 2007)
There are people who will destroy me for saying this, but John Cena is second only to Undertaker in guys who deserve to have won the Royal Rumble. Allow me to explain.
Despite the fact that the internet chastises Cena constantly for using the same set of moves over and over (something I contend Bret Hart did, even though many consider Hart the greatest technician of all time), Cena deserves everything the WWE has given to him.
Cena works harder than anybody on the roster. Period. Say what you want about his wrestling ability. Say what you want about his promos. But the fact of the matter is that the guy works harder than anybody in the business, inside and outside the ring. Inside, he’s probably the only guy on the roster wrestling almost every night of the year. Yes, everyone wrestles in upwards of 200 nights a year, but I’d be willing to bet Cena is pulling closer to 250 or 300. Outside the ring, he’s always the guy doing the media appearances or granting wishes for sick and dying kids.
Side note for those curious: I’m told Cena has granted more wishes than anyone in Make-A-Wish history. Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t, but if it is, that’s pretty damn cool.
Listen, I’m not a huge Cena fan. I much prefer guys like Chris Jericho or Shawn Michaels who do their talking in the ring but can do it on the mic if need be too. Cena can do that, albeit not as well as either of those two. My beef isn’t with Cena, it’s with the internet and their everlasting hate for a man they should champion.
When you think about it, the internet should LOVE John Cena. But they hate him because kids love him, and that must automatically mean he’s not cool. After all, nobody wants to like the same thing an 8 year old kid likes, right?
The internet has long been supporters of guys who bust their asses in the ring, even if they’re not that great…cough Tommy Dreamer cough…yet Cena gets cast out and vilified on a daily basis. Hey internet fans: get over yourselves.
Cena may not be Ric Flair in terms of technical ability, but he exceeds just about everybody in terms of work ethic. If for no other reason, this guy should one day be considered one of the greatest of all time.
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2009: Randy Orton
"You're going to book me to win the Royal Rumble after I shit in that girl's bag!? Awesome!" (credit: WWE)
Tale of the Tape
6-time WWE champion
3-time World champion
1-time World tag team champion
1-time Intercontinental champion
17th WWE Triple Crown champion
Wrestling Observer Most Improved award (2004)
Multiple Pro Wrestling Illustrated awards including Feud of the Year (2009), Most Hated (2007, 2009), Most Improved (2004), Most Popular (2010), Rookie of the Year (2001), #2 on Top 500 of the PWI Years list, and Wrestler of the Year (2009, 2010)
Randy Orton has come a long way. In fact, am I the only one who remembers the RNN news report segments they did several years ago when Orton was preparing to come back from his first broken collarbone? Those. Were. Awesome. In fact, the next time he gets injured (which is really a given because this guy gets injured more than a shaken baby), they should do those again. I’d mark just for the logo.
In any event, Randy Orton used to be the guy who got in trouble all the time. It started when he went AWOL from the military (which he eventually cleared) and shitting in a WWE diva’s travel bag backstage. Yes, he pooped in someone’s bag with all their clothes and everything in it. No, he didn’t poop somewhere else and put it in the bag…he pooped directly in the bag. Who does that?
It seems an event a few years back where Orton overdosed on drugs (prescription pills, by all acounts) and nearly died may have turned his life around. In recent years, Orton has gotten married and started a family in his hometown of St. Louis. Yay Missouri! Boo Norfolk State!
Since then, he’s seemed more stable, even though his gimmick in the ring has gotten more and more unstable. He shows up to wrestle, he doesn’t poop in anyone’s bag, and he’s overall started to gain a lot more respect in the locker room. That’s vital for someone with the label “3rd Generation Superstar” attached to their name. Anyone know who the last 3rd generation star was?
That’s right, kids. His name was The Rock, one of the greatest the WWE has ever seen, and Orton has, despite some setbacks, followed directly in his footsteps of upholding family legacies. Orton, however, likely won’t be going to Hollywood and forgetting his fanbase any time soon.
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2010: Edge
Yeah, I slept with Lita. I also won a bunch of gold. What'd you do in the last 15 years? (credit: WWE)
Tale of the Tape
Nearly 20-year career
7-time World champion
4-time WWE champion
5-time Intercontinental champion
1-time WCW United States champion
14-time WWE tag team champion
2001 King of the Ring winner
2-time Money in the Bank winner
14th WWE Triple Crown champion
2-time Slammy Award winner
WWE Hall of Fame member (will be inducted in 2012)
Wrestling Observer Match of the Year (2002)
Wrestling Observer Tag Team of the Year (2000)
Multiple Pro Wrestling Illustrated awards including Comeback of the Year (2004), Feud of the Year (2005, 2006), Match of the Year (2000, 2001), Most Hated (2006), and Most Improved (2001)
Edge is a dickhead of massive proportions, and I love him for it. Just look to his adulterous relationship with Lita while she was with Matt Hardy (in a LOOOOOONG relationship) for proof. No, that wasn’t a storyline. Dude really nailed his buddy’s girlfriend. In this kind of business, you gotta love it, even though Triple H supposedly called for Edge to be fired over it.
Edge, in case you didn’t know, has won more titles in WWE history than anybody else. If you combine all his title reigns, he beats out everyone else. Am I the only one who thinks that’s so damn impressive? Thousands of guys have come through those doors, and nobody has been more successful on paper than Edge. Pretty nice.
Admittedly, Edge doesn’t have the legendary prowess of someone like The Undertaker, but like Mysterio, he’s in that second tier of guys right behind the potentials for greatest of all time.
Unfortunately, Edge’s career was cut short due to injuries, and we’ll never get to see if he could have made it into that top tier. Quite frankly, I think he could have. All he needed was that one big thing that he never had. For some guys, it’s a legendary feud. For others, it’s a legendary gimmick. For Edge, I think he needed a legendary match, which aside from tag team competition, he never had.
He needed that legendary singles match to cement him as one of the top guys in the history of the business, and he never got it. He had plenty of good match, but not a single one that, 30 years from now, wrestling fans will point at and say, “Watch this,” as an example of what a wrestling match should be. It’s a shame really.
Still, Edge is still more qualified to headline a Wrestlemania than friggin’ Sheamus.
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I’m going to skip Alberto Del Rio’s win in 2011 for two reasons:
1) I’m tired of writing.
2) He’s in the same boat as Sheamus (maybe worse) and doesn’t prove my point. That’s my prerogative. I can do what I wanna do. Bobby Brown.
Del Rio and Sheamus are both characteristic of what has been fundamentally wrong with booking decisions in the last few years: WWE doesn’t know how to make new stars.
The Royal Rumble isn’t the place to create a star. The star should be created long before a wrestler survives a 30-man match to headline the biggest wrestling event of the year. No, the Royal Rumble should only be used to push those stars to the next level, and it should be a reward for guys who have worked their asses off and gotten over.
For example, Dolph Ziggler should have won this year’s Royal Rumble. Admittedly, I was rooting for Jericho, but Ziggler and maybe Cody Rhodes were the only guys who really deserved it. They’re main event caliber talent stuck filling out the midcard because they can’t get the one thing they need to break through the glass ceiling. The Royal Rumble should be used to shatter that glass.
Instead, it’s been used to CREATE stars, a role that used to be reserved for the King of the Ring. I had hoped with King of the Ring making a return this year, that things like that would start being used to create these stars again rather than the two biggest events of the year, the Rumble and Wrestlemania.
Alas, WWE disappointed me with booking Sheamus to be the winner.
And by all indications, it was for nothing. Post-Wrestlemania advertisements show Daniel Bryan defending his title against various opponents (Sheamus included), perhaps hinting that Sheamus won’t be victorious on the grandest stage of them all.
So why was he booked in a way that would make it seem like he had a chance?
Eat shit, WWE. Stop booking this crap.
The Mills Is Awesome 
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